“Where are you, God?”
I thought it out loud in the midst of my incredibly messy, looks like a tornado recently passed through office. Thin plastic and pieces of cardboard all over the floor from unpackaging and assembling my new office that I was supposed to be so giddy about.
“You’re not here. I don’t feel you. Where are you?”
There was this dull ache just below the surface slowing bringing me down over the past few months, and this week it only proceeded to triple in velocity. The worried thoughts the enemy was putting in my head snowballed:
“What if I don’t make enough money to pay the bills this month?”
“What if everyone gets tired of my business?”
“What if I fail when I’ve put so much into this?”
I found myself on the floor of my office, plastic sticking to my skin, dirt and grime all over my hands, crying out to God.
“Where are you? I need you.”
Desperately, I tried to think of when this had all began, this silence from Him. And it hit me.
You see, I entered this business competition in December, and for it you have to run your predicted numbers for the next few years based on your past history.
When my advisor did this for me, the numbers excited me.
Just look at how much good I could do with numbers like those! People I could hire, people that could hear about Jesus, causes I could give to- I could do so much with this. This is so great.
But those numbers slowly started to consume me. I started looking at sales each week, comparing them to the numbers on this silly piece of paper. I started basing my success on numbers. I started basing my happiness on numbers.And when the numbers weren’t lining up just right, it brought me down. It changed my day. It changed my mood.
It changed my heart.
Tears started to fall as I apologized and felt Him cover me in His grace as I sat there so broken and ashamed and so thankful at the same time to have a God who is also an amazing Father. That no matter what you do wrong or how much you neglect Him and ignore Him and become consumed by worldly things, He comes back and He forgives you. That you matter that much to Him.
I had let this business become a statistic instead of a ministry. I had slowly walked further and further away from God to pursue things that don’t matter at all. Not one bit. If I don’t meet those numbers, my business doesn’t fail. My business fails when it stops becoming a ministry. It fails when I start paying attention to financials more than I pay attention to what God put on my heart that day to share with someone that day.
When I let something so worldy drown out His whispers.
I’m so filled with gratefulness to have realized this so early in this adventure that He has me on. I know that things are going to get harder. Temptations are going to get bigger. And I am going to have to be a warrior with my sights set on His purpose for me, not what others tell me my purpose is.
So if you ever start to feel like He’s not there anymore, you might need to step back and ask yourself if you’re the one that left Him. If He has been shouting your name all along but you were too busy with your headphones in your ears and your sights on something so far off from what He wishes for you.
And even after all of that, He will always come for you. He will search for you and find you time and time again.
And tonight, I am home in His arms again.
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